*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
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[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.