Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
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just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
(True)
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Holy crap this is wonderful
*mops up wine with cat*
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.