sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
You Might Also Like
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie