host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
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FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?