I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
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You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet