[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
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Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Taking phone security to the next level.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I need better friends
Very good news from my accountant
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.