After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
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Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
😅🤣😂
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore