ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
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falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Camping tip: No.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I’m going to need a moment here.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
British websites use biscuits.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat