I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
*sewing*
A thread
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Morning.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting