Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
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I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
respect
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.