Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
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I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Webb. James Webb.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free