My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
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My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see