Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
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If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.