At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
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Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”