I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
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1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.