Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators