A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
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oh shit
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
translated into Canadian
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone