When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
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For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
One of the best
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.