My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
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This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it鈥檚 maddening. He thinks they鈥檙e a frequency humans can鈥檛 hear (he鈥檚 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can鈥檛 tell they鈥檙e off. Am I going to hell for this?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Me: I can鈥檛, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Please don鈥檛 block me. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we鈥檙e conducting a quick survey.
I鈥檓 just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don鈥檛 have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
911: what鈥檚 your emergency
Me: I can鈥檛 find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that鈥檚 how I lost it
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.