No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
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I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.