[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
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Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I hate my earbuds.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed