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Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal