I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
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The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
there has never been a better use of this meme
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.