I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
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wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.