I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
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If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
bad news gang
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?