Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
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THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies