Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
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Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.