i have one speed and it’s mosey
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If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”