It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
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Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Breaking news:
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Somebody’s lying.