Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
You Might Also Like
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY