[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
You Might Also Like
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
LOL!
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.