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*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
They’re the worst 😩
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
A little too much information.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
pelicons
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?