The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
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The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.