Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
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Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here