I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
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Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.