I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
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All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.