Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
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If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want