Hero horse inspires millions
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I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!