*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
You Might Also Like
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.