My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
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remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.