Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
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Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.