WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
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5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
#damn
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out