1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
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Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.