°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
You Might Also Like
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?