I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
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me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I love you…
…r dog.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
channeling her this year
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*