A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
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I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Born to be mild.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
wow he looks just like him
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets