Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
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Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Bro what is this
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money