Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
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I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.