Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
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[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd