Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
You Might Also Like
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.